Tag Archives: Funny

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May 1, 2019

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Life

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Not A Vampire

Yes, I do stay awake until 5 A.M. or 6 A.M. on the regular and find the shadows of the early morning look weird, but I am not a vampire. Yeah, I’m always complaining that it’s too hot outside, and tend to see a lot better in the dark than most people I know, but I am not a vampire.

Okay, yes, I have, on occasion, mentioned the odd (probably placebic) feeling that my teeth are both bigger and sharper in my mouth when I get hungry, and will regularly eat straight up meat in huge quantities until the sensation stops.

But I am not a vampire. Continue reading →

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November 3, 2018

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Flash Fiction, Writing

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Flash Fiction: I Gave Up On Sleep

“I have not slept in so, so long.” Harold picked up his mug and sipped from it. Waiting for the reaction from his friend. The one he had called over for this exact conversation.

“How long are we talking?” George asked, eyeing him. “This is not like that time in college, is it?”

“No, no, nothing like that. That was weak sauce compared to this. I have not slept in… huh, I think it was twenty days now. It has been a major boon to my work cycle, I tell you that. I have gotten all the projects done I was ever planning on getting done in the last week or so.” Continue reading →

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July 7, 2018

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Flash Fiction, Writing

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Flash Fiction: Crunch

When they had brought Charlie in, when they had told him they were going to get the information out of him, one way or the other, he had no idea that this was the method they were going to use.

His superiors had trained him to not squeal any information even if they were attacking him in the genitalia. But, this, he had never expected something like this. Continue reading →

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May 5, 2018

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Flash Fiction, Writing

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Flash Fiction: Punchline

Of one thing they were certain: they were not driving themselves that night. On the table was more booze than a man could feasibly drink, more wine than a Grecian of the olden, way olden days, could ingest—and they drank it like water. An alcoholic would have a pain in his liver at the sight.

And they were having a blast. Continue reading →

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April 28, 2018

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Flash Fiction, Writing

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Flash Fiction: Alcohol/Nicotine/Caffeine

“We are not real living beings, you know,” Caffeine said, then jerked his head to the side, looking at the door to the room.

“Yeah—but it doesn’t much matter. It’s nice being as we are, at least,” Alcohol said, and sat down on his chair. He stared up at the other two and smiled goofily.

“It matters a little bit,” Nicotine said, parting back his ginger hair. “I, for one, like to be flesh.”

“Oh, well…so do I, but that does not mean that we are.” Caffeine’s words came out rushed and flowing—like he had rehearsed it, but not well, and was trying to get them out as fast as possible before he forgot.

Alcohol laughed. “I did not get that at all.” Continue reading →

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March 7, 2018

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Funny, Life, Writing

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Odd Stuff I’ve Said

I’m guessing some would recommend I don’t write about this, but, well, you all know I’m eccentric as it is—so, fuck it. Writers already have the stigma of being a weird bunch, but you’ve heard, likely, all the usual shenanigans—so, I’m doing you one better.

Not just researching murder methods, talking to people who they make up, or being totally willing to do dangerous/stupid things for the sake of a story: nah, I’ve got a set of much more unique quirks.

And it involves words and language. Continue reading →

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September 30, 2017

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Flash Fiction, Writing

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Flash Fiction: Foam Sword

One could not overstate the significance of the foam sword. Perhaps, in the entire history of the room, and the house’s various occupants through the years, the foam sword was the most important thing to ever grace those four walls. For one, it tied the room together nicely; for another, it made several religions with its very presence. Continue reading →

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September 27, 2017

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Life

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Sometimes, You’ve Just Got To Laugh

I realize this sounds pretentious, but I don’t think most people end up in the scenarios I do. And that’s sometimes a problem.

Because, advice relies upon shared experiences, and I often don’t mesh with others in that regard. So, I had to come up with a plan for when I can’t always find someone with an answer. And, well, it might not be a great long-term solution, but what I came up with is to laugh. Continue reading →

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December 21, 2016

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Christmas Collection, Lists, Special

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Christmas Collection #5: Funniest Fiction! “Flash Fiction: Complicated And Nuanced”

(Originally posted April 2nd, 2016)

Nobody ever said creating art was easy.

A flash fiction called:

Complicated And Nuanced

—

“AHHHH!” the man screamed at the empty sheet of paper, making it move in a slight, wavering fashion on the mahogany wood table.

He reared back, his face taking on a bluish tinge, and he breathed in and out. The man sounded, vaguely, like a squeaky toy caught underneath a car’s tire. Continue reading →

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October 22, 2016

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Flash Fiction, Writing

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Flash Fiction: Scammy

The email looked legit.

Hello sir or madam, I am happy to inform you that you have made so many of billions of dollars. Due to a ridiculous series of tax laws and reformatting of the entire currency system, along with the rising of a dark sorcerer, you are set to receive seventeen billion dollars in the next week. We only need you to enter your bank account data to make the transaction complete. Continue reading →