Hey guys! I hope you’re all enjoying the holidays–because I certainly am.
And while I adore blogging for you guys, I am going to be taking the next two weeks off (with maybe a special Christmas day article, I haven’t decided yet) to spend time with my friends and family.
So, I’ll see you guys then, and have a merry Christmas, a happy rest of your Hanukkah, a wonderful Kwanzaa, and an awesome whatever else you may celebrate. 🙂
Little Billy had a Christmas wish. In point of fact, he had several. Several little things he’d like.
He had a friend named Sarah, whose hair he thought was pretty. It was nothing more than that. He was too young to love her, to think her a crush. But he did think her hair was pretty. So he wished for similar. For his head to have as nice a blond look as her.
And so he did. When Christmas day came around he found inside his gift a wig, which he proudly placed on his head.
Now, Little Billy was a popular kid. He had many warm friends. And some of them also had things he wanted.
He had a friend name Kyle, whose feet found sports easy and quick. He could make so many baskets that Little Billy could not. And Little Billy was, admittedly, a bit jealous. Just a little. He wished he could run and jump so well. Continue reading
Are you a writer trying to think about what you want for the holidays? Do you have a special writer in your life? Do you want a humorous holiday-themed article to read?
Then I’ve got you covered. And though the writer’s “Holiday Wish List” is not exactly a unique article idea, I thought I’d put my own spin on things.
So, let’s begin.
Writers like books. All of us. Okay, most of us. But I don’t trust those guys. And we are always searching for new books, even if it’s just for our shelves. Not sure what specific books they want? Just ask. Chances are they will have a long list.
In addition to books, writers tend to like coffee. Correction: need coffee. And for those that don’t: tea. So it makes sense to give them a literary-minded way to drink it. The words on the mug should preferably be witty. So that the writer gets a good bit of amusement and inspiration when they start their day. Continue reading
He puts down three glasses in front of me.
“Drink.”
He holds out his hands, palms upward, gesturing over them.
“Have a drink.”
“Do I have a choice?”
”Of course you do. You get to pick which one to drink.”
I lean across the table, getting as close to him as I can. My tape recorder’s still going in my pocket.
“And then you’ll tell me who killed Becca?”
“Of course.” Continue reading
I smashed in his head with a half-priced chrome shower curtain pole. It beat taking coffee any day. The buzz, THE BUZZ.
I hear some yuppie college prick sneaking up on my shopping cart. Followed along by his girlfriend, with smeared cheap-ass mascara like devil horns on her forehead. Animals the lot of them, filthy money grubbing animals.
So I put a pair of stainless steel steak knives from my thirteen-piece cutlery set through their fucking hearts.
I’d raid their wallets, but some kid in last week’s diaper snatches it and runs underneath a couple of elderly woman gumming up the forearm of some gym teacher wielding a pair of hand weights.
“Shit! I could have gotten some shoes with that, you beast.” Continue reading
I saw the girl sitting there, crying with soft sobs. My train would not arrive right away, and even if it does, I can’t let her sit all alone.
“Hey, are you alright?”
She sniffles, and moves her blond hair out of the way. “I can’t find my mom and dad.”
“What do they look like?”
“They had red sweaters on like mine. I miss them…”
She bursts into fresh tears. I frown, and look around. A few feet off in the distance, I see two adults–one man, one woman–pushing through the crowd.
Leaning down, I pat her on the head. She looks at me and I point them out.
“There, there. They’re there.” Continue reading
DON’T FREAK OUT!
Whew, good. I’m sure that had the intended effect.
So, if you’re on my site right now, you maybe noticed that it isn’t called “Coolerbs Reviews” anymore.
There’s a reason for this: I didn’t feel like it was appropriate. When I first started out this blog three years ago, I did a lot of reviewing. But if you’ve been here a while, you’ve probably noticed I strayed from that a tad.
Now-a-days I do a lot of fiction, a lot of advice for writers, some top ten lists, that sort of thing. This is for two reasons: Continue reading
I am the button man.
It’s not a job you take lightly.
I am the button man.
It’s not a job for the flighty.
I am the button man. Continue reading
It didn’t matter what the song was. It didn’t matter if it was any good. What mattered was that it had a beat, and the beat matched our hearts. That the road was clear, and the night was dark. Continue reading
So, I hear you want to be a Word-Slinger? That you want to dance with a little lady named fiction? Well, for all of you who still call themselves “aspiring writers,” here are a few steps for the absolute beginning of your journey.
Because while there may be plenty of places offering tips on publishing, or writing your first novel, I thought I would share with you some advice on how to begin this crazy writer life.
If you write, you’re a writer. Endpoint, done. You can, however, be an aspiring author. Hell, I’m a professional, and even I have to call myself that. But the point is, if you’re really serious about this whole writing thing, then call yourself a writer. Own that title.
And now comes the first hard part. At any age, and even if writing is your occupation, you will still need to find time to work on writing. And I’m sorry to say that for beginners, it’s going to be the time you usually play video games, or watch television. This is a sacrifice you’re going to have to make. Continue reading
“Calm down.”
This boy is going to reach critical mass. I can hear my associates chatter in my earpiece, telling me to get away.
“It’s okay now.”
He clutches the top of his head. His shadows are moving off the ground, rising up towards him in rock-like crags. A maw trying to eat him.
“I know it hurts, but you need to just stay calm.” I have my fingers on my gun. Continue reading
So, for those of you who don’t follow me on Twitter, I somewhat recently sent out a series of themed tweets called #philosophicalgiftbaskets. In these I attempted to explain complicated philosophy via the miracle of gift baskets.
It went about as well as one could expect.
Here, are those tweets.
—
Welcome to Solipsism.
The gift basket does not actually exist.
#philosophicalgiftbaskets Continue reading
There are only two moons you want on Halloween night.
A crescent or a full.
One for the witch, and one for the werewolves.
But can you deal with the fright?
Because there are only two things I want on Halloween night.
To trick and treat.
And not find any razor blades in what I eat.
So can you survive this youth-based blight?
Because there are two things that stalk on Halloween night. Continue reading
Panic Level: Very Low
“Ow, ow. Ugh, I should have stretched my hands more. Dammit…now I can’t finish that fight scene. This is such a stupid first world problem.”Â
Panic Level:Â Low
“Come on! I need to write! I didn’t make my word target today. Why does this always have to happen right in the middle of a part I was looking forward to!?” Continue reading
The sound of an alarm pushes its way into my consciousness. I was awake a second ago from my perception. Probably about twenty minutes asleep.
Oh, who am I kidding? It was exactly twenty minutes.
“Hello sir. It’s wake up time.”
“I know, I know, thanks Charlie.”
“You’re welcome sir. However my name is not Charlie.” Continue reading
Coolerbs Writes 