Rain clouds part when she is around, and yet I do not love her. And, yet, I so love her. Complicated feelings, all of them. Shifting. Sifting. Sliding.
I stood and watched as she moved through the crowd. Laughing about something—or perhaps just smiling. Those lips of hers are rather expressive, rather lively. I could never get the hang of the way she walks, it was not like anyone else in the world. You could see it in her, the artsy nature in that walk. Not heel, toe, heel. Instead, a glide, a motion. A slide more than a step.
My hoodie came up slightly, instinctually, as the rain pattered against the metal above. Ping. Pop. I love rain though. Makes me so happy. I loved it, and I do love it. But, I couldn’t focus on those sounds as I watched. Something was moving on my face, but I am not sure if it was a blush.
She swiveled and looked at me, and I blanched a bit and stared off to the side. Was only a quick little smile toward me as if to say, “Hey, it’s you! I know you!” but I was already looking off to a friend, making some pointless conversation.
I had to avoid this, I had to avoid her. That is the true paradox of the heart—when you like someone like that, your instinct is to be close and yet run. To panic, and yet to remain calm.
The rain continued. On and on in the sky. Pinging. I tried to wait for her to walk away and succeeded. And, then, a hard lump appeared in my chest. For, how could I do that? I am, now, and regardless, her friend—so I should act like I am not embarrassed to see her.
But, I didn’t—and I, again, went for the easiest way out. A car ride, somewhere where no one would question me. Where I wouldn’t have to have her stare at me and make me so confused.
But, that car ride was not easier. Red-faced, and hiding underneath my hoodie—thoughts chewing up my soul, and spinning my head in ways I can’t begin to work out, or understand, or put into words, claimed my heart—yet again.
The biggest problem is that even if I got back my nerve, what would I say? I don’t even quite understand how I feel about her.
So, how would I begin to explain it to another person?