I cannot do things to people with my mind. Stop asking. It is not the case. Just ask my mother. Do you think she would have grounded me, ever, even considered doing that if I was capable of such things?

You are being absurd. You are being ridiculous.

Yes, I notice all the unconscious people in the theater. I get that the number of teenagers lying on the floor is slightly higher than is typical for media entertainment venues, but I cannot use my powers on people. I cannot knock people out just because I get pissed about them talking loudly during a film.

No. I am here to eat my popcorn and watch this sci-fi movie and that is the end of it.

But, also, like, seriously, why would anyone bring a baby to see a loud movie? You can order movies online. Also, how dare she stay in the fucking theater when it cried. How dare she.

But her running out with her child as visions of her house burning down flooded her mind was not me. I swear.

So, stop asking.

Let me watch my damn movie.

—

Special thanks to: Bob Gerkin, Collin Pearman, Dylan Alexander, Jerry Banfield, and Michael The Comic Nerd. 

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