You and I have been friends for a long time now. We’ve been through things together, and I don’t know what I’d do without you.
But, now that I know you so well, I feel there are some things I need to tell you. Some things that, maybe, you could improve?
And no, it’s not an intervention. I don’t think you’d respond well to that. Instead, I just want you to make some changes when you’re around me. I know you have a lot of friends, a lot of adventures. I mean, for God’s sake you’re the Internet, you have billions of friends. But, you’re also my friend.
And as my friend. I’d like to ask you to be a little calmer. You understand?
Like, I get that stores and companies need to sell their products, and ads are necessary. But could you maybe advertise things I know I want? Like, I’m not getting enough ads for books. I don’t think anyone’s getting enough ads for books.
Or how about just not being so distracting? I know, weird complaint. You’re so full of awesome things that it’s hard to focus sometimes. Oh, you’re blushing, I didn’t mean it that way. Wait, I mean, no, I did mean it that way: you’re awesome. You’re stupendous. You’re incredible. You changed the world forever. But like, I have other stuff to do. So can you only show me stuff it would take me an hour to get through?
Like, you know me well enough by now. I give you a lot of ways to learn about me. And I know that you could figure out exactly one hour of perfect content that I could watch and then get on with my life.
That would be cool, Internet.
Oh, also, if you could stop getting sick with viruses and occasionally infecting people’s computers with them, that would be cool too.