So, you’re a character in a novel? And you just found out your author plans to kill you off? Well, I’m sorry to say there’s no hope for you now, but you can at least feel prepared for it. Here, allow me to list off some of the ways you could potentially face your demise!

The Eventuality

Honestly, did you really expect to survive this kind of situation? You’ve been fighting monsters all your life (metaphorically or literally) and have been doing detrimental things to keep at it rather than look over your life choices. You been dancing around death the whole story, and now you’re going to trip. You really can only blame yourself for the demon bite/accidental drug overdose.

The Sacrifice

Sorry dude, the needs of the many and all that. The child must live. The world must be saved at all costs. Someone had to stay and keep the bomb activated. The horde was not going to stop chasing otherwise. Your audience will love you, and the fans will cry over your loss. Not that you’ll get to enjoy the attention or anything.

The Quiet 

Lucky you! You get to die in the quiet of your own bed, usually with your family around. Sure you’re succumbing to disease/age/mortal wounds/a curse, but at the very least you’ll inspire the characters around you and make them grow as people! I mean, come on, you’ve got to at least appreciate the poetic beauty of it, right?

The Tragic

Oh cruel twist of fate! If only Juliet woke up sooner! You had such audience-relatable goals and dreams! But now you die three days before retirement! Your story makes people feel bad about the world and hopefully makes them weep. They will hang on to that memory for the rest of their lives and wince when someone brings it up. I’m looking at you Bambi’s mother.

The Predestined

I don’t know how to tell you this…but you’re in a prequel. And you’re not in the original story. Now, you could rationalize and say that you just went to live somewhere else or something…but yeah, do you even believe that? The fates declared your death a long time ago, and it’s time to pay the piper. No one knows how it will come, but it’s going to be sudden and shocking.

The Idealist

I get it, you really want to kill the whale. But I’ve got to warn you: it’s going to end badly. Your beliefs may be strong, but they are also going to get you killed. That thing you feel is most important in the world is going to be your noose. That god you’re so devoted to happens to eat mere mortals like you for a snack, and you’re already standing right there…. 

The Warning

Well, someone has to fail that death trap, and it certainly isn’t going to be Mr. Jones. Your death exists almost entirely to create tension or make the bad guy look more evil. This one is perhaps the worst because afterwards no one will even remember your name. And that’s assuming your author even gave you a name.

The Revenge

The guy you wronged in the first act? Yeah, he’s a bit of a sociopath and didn’t take it as well as one would hope. You make your own worst enemies, and now he’s going to kill you. Alternatively, if you’re the sociopath, that one kid you left alive is going to come back and knock you into a very deep pit.

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Special thanks to: Collin Pearman, Dylan Alexander, Jerry Banfield, Michael The Comic Nerd, Pulsatilla Pratensis, SuperGoof Media, and Zeony.

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