“Nah, dude, it’s wicked.”
“I don’t know, man. It sounds very sketch to me.”
“Dude, dude, I can see through clothing. I can listen to a conversation a hundred feet away from me. It’s wicked.”
“You keep using that old, old slang, dude.”
“It’s the right word for it. I am not myself—I am better than myself. I am so much more than a person—a human—could have been in any time before now. That is incredible, by itself, dude.”
“You keep saying that it makes you so special. Explain that shit to me.”
“Sure. Okay, so, I got the eyes with a full workup. Infrared, AR support, thermal. I can see the heart rate of people—and work with that. It also translates all written languages into English for me.”
“Okay…that is sweet…”
“And that’s just my eyes, dude. I have a monitor in my chest that is paying attention to pretty much everything I am doing. My heart rate is displayed for me—as is my metabolism. I can even tell when I am at my most fertile.”
“I did not need to know that…”
“Oh, it’s just a body. I can listen to things far away, and even play music for myself, in my own head. Same for phone calls, same for text messages. It’s all pretty much internal. I don’t have to move my mouth for basic voice commands.”
“You didn’t let them stick something in your brain, did you?”
“You bet I did. My house unlocks when I think hard about it. I also got stuff in my arms. This is a charging port. Technically, I am a walking electrical production station. I can charge stuff just by touching it with my hand.”
“So, if I handed you my phone—”
“Yep.”
“That is cool as well. But, dude—I think you gave up too much.”
“Humanity? That’s so—”
“Nah, privacy dude.”
“What?”
“I mean, dude, that if you are so wired up, then they can see what you see—if they want to do so. They can hear all you hear. If they are in your head, then they are in your fucking head, dude.”
“What?”
“What…wait—”
“I can’t hear you? I see your talking…?”
“Dude, what is wrong with you—”
“I can’t…where did you go? I can’t see you—”
“What the fuck are you doing! Watch it!”
“Johnny, I think my eyes are not working—reboot…reboot in progress.”
“What…the shit…”
“Human present, please refrain from communication with the asset. He will now leave. Do not attempt to follow.”
“I fucking knew it.”
“Do not attempt to follow.”
“I won’t. Jesus Christ. He can stew in his own shit after being such a dumbass.”
“The government approves of your opinion. You will receive a compensation check in the mail.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Fucking sweet.”
—
Special thanks to: Bob Gerkin, Collin Pearman, Dylan Alexander, Jerry Banfield, and Michael The Comic Nerd.
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