I gave up a while ago in the best way possible. I gave up on trying to be something I am not, in a lot of ways. This is a random example, but, for a long time, people always told me to change my hairstyle (and before you imagine it as some funky mohawk or something, it’s just that I have a very generic haircut), and, well, I know myself: I don’t do well with maintaining complex hairstyles. I have on two occasions attempted to wear some expensive haircut and then let it fall apart in days—because applying copious amounts of jell and parting it “just so” is not something I care about.

It’s just not something I can think with. So, I gave up on that. I’m going to have my hair how I want, dress the way I want to dress. That’s not to say I don’t see the merit in nicer outfits: I like how I look in button-ups. Wearing somewhat uncomfortable clothing for the sake of aesthetics is a thing I deem to do in certain circumstances.

But, my real point is this: I’m leaning into this. I like coffee, so why deny that aspect of myself? Sure, I must keep myself healthy (more weight shenanigans are happening) but I also don’t want to be a monk and suffer. I like hoodies, a lot, so I’ll just have enough different hoodies that I can build them into my wardrobe—and wash them enough to not be a slob.

It’s an idea I’m trying out, being more me. If this is “self-actualization,” then I guess I am working hard to get there. There’s a lot of self-doubts wrapped up in it, sure, but denying myself what I like, being shameful, these are not great things.

Society is already always jerking my chain without me adding to the issue.

I’ll look nice. I will be nice. Work and make money and exercise and treat others with respect…

But I’ll do it on my own terms.

I’m me, and it’s okay to improve me, but it is never okay for me to deny that I am me.

—

Special thanks to: Bob Gerkin, Collin Pearman, Dylan Alexander, Jerry Banfield, and Michael The Comic Nerd. 

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