“What’s the point of this Brandon? Why are you putting yourself through this? All this worrying?”
“Well, I want to do something different on the blog.”
“Different how?”
“You know: new. I write about writing all the time now. I used to write about movies, but even that didn’t stick. I love writing fiction, but they don’t read it enough. I write this blog for them. Not just for me.”
“Well, then write more personal stuff.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t have a big exciting life to write about. I’m young—and not in the good way. I haven’t…done a lot of the things that I want to yet. My personal stuff is generic, right now.”
“You know you need to be patient when it comes to that.”
“I know that. But what of the meantime? What until? I don’t go to parties. I don’t dance the night away. I don’t stand at the top of mountains. What do I write about? What inspiring, thought-provoking things could I create?”
“That’s your inner critic speaking.”
“So, what if it is? Clearly that’s a part of it…but I don’t know…I need to try something. I need to produce something people can’t help but love.”
“That’s very egotistical of you.”
“Yeah, well, most artists have an ego, you know? Whether or not we like it, we are standing on easily shattered ground when it comes to that. I need some validation, I think.”
“I don’t think you can just ask for that.”
“I know I can’t. It’s not earned if it’s asked for. That’s why I need to come up with something new.”
“You still haven’t told me what ‘new’ means for you?”
“I don’t know yet. I try to keep Coolerbs Writes articles from ever feeling cookie cutter. But still, I get so jealous of what the others are creating.”
“You can’t compare yourself to them. You have fans.”
“What are you today? A platitude machine? I know these things. But…feedback. I want more feedback.”
“Then join a group.”
“I want to. But you know how it is: busy. I don’t have time to ride around and get involved in a physical group right now. And most I’ve found online are just promo.”
“That’s not your fault.”
“Yeah, but everything’s my fault, and nothing is my fault. Blaming, or even the act of not blaming, is just an excuse for not fixing a problem.”
“But you’re doing so much to get better, Brandon. You are fixing problems. I’ve never seen you care about your physical health this much, and the output of words you’re doing daily is astonishing. You need to be a little more patient, and you will solve this one, too.”
“But will they forgive me for boring articles in the meantime?”
“Do you think your articles are boring? Brandon. You’re not bad at this. I dare say you’re doing well. So what if it’s topics others have done before? All art is some degree of that. And yours is in a way different. It’s yours. I think you’ve hit the mark where you have some idea of your own voice as a writer. This new frenetic, minimalist thing you’re doing feels natural. You actually love doing dialogue—you used to hate it. That’s growth as an artist. You are growing up.”
“Then call this growing pains.”
“Fine, I will. As long as you recognize them as such.”
“I do some days, and some days they feel like everything.”
“That’s what it’s always like. Hindsight is twenty-twenty. You were a teenager recently enough to remember how big things are, even when they are so small.”
“Yeah, and as an adult I know that things that feel small are part of something bigger.”
“That’s a bit profound, isn’t it? Maybe you’ve almost gotten to where you wanted.”
“I doubt it. But it’s a start.”
—
Coolerbs Writes 
I. love. this. Brandon.
It felt real. Private. Personal. Inviting. Encouraging. Empathy-inspiring, and gooutandproducemorecontentthatI’mpassionatabout inspiring.
Keep at it, keep your eye on that thought second-to-last red line, keep writing.
Good job
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Thank you Collin! I’m glad you like it! It was, admittedly, a bit hard for me to post it, because as you said, it is private and personal–but I’m really glad how it turned out.
And don’t worry, I will keep writing. It’s what I do 🙂
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