A Brief and Controversial Review of Coffee Types

I drink a lot of coffee—too much actually, but that’s beside the point. I’ve made it a bit of a mission to try different types, and though I haven’t gone as pretentious with it as some people, I have opinions. And fellow coffee snobs are likely not going to enjoy them—but here we are. A smattering of opinions on the planet’s favorite caffeine drink.

  • Normal Coffee

How do people drink this stuff black? Its warm and watery and bitter and doesn’t really give much of a kick, but instead a dull buzz. Columbian coffee is, of course, exempt from this criticism—because that stuff, when it’s good quality, tastes like chocolate.

  • Espresso

Now we’re getting somewhere. Small liquid amounts and plenty of room to add tasty options like milk or sweetener (I’m a stevia user). It hits hard, isn’t as bitter, and you can do that cool milk art thing with the warm varieties. Lattes, Cappuccinos, Americanos, it’s a much more versatile coffee option. Blond espresso, by the way, is great if you need more kick.

  • Ristretto

I only consider this an option in emergencies. I’m not a doctor, so don’t take this as gospel or anything, but chelated magnesium is a good way to slow your heart down if this stuff overwhelms you—because it’s so damn potent that it likely will the first time you drink it. It also tastes bad, but you can even further bury it in milk, since the liquid amount is, like, a sip worth of the stuff. It’s the tequila shot of the coffee world.

  • Cold Brew

I have no idea, except financial restrictions, why someone would choose iced coffee over a cold brew. Cold brew is made to be drunk cold, without ice. It’s less bitter, because you can’t burn it accidentally, and has more caffeine to it. Really good cold brew has an almost caramel taste to it and is better black than coffee—though I still like cream and stevia in it. This may sound strange, but if you typically make protein shakes with a water base, cold brew also works fine and might make your morning routine less complicated.

And yes, I know there are so many ways to make coffee, and that’s such a small sample, but those are the ones I drink regularly, and I did say this would be brief.

How do you drink coffee? I really do want to know—because if there’s an even better way to get my caffeine fix, I should be on that shit since yesterday.

Special thanks to: Melissa Potter

Did you like the article? Dislike? Tell me about it in the comments. I would love to hear your opinions! If interested in specific articles, or want to write as a guest, you can message me at scifibrandonscott@gmail.com. If you want to help keep this blog going, consider becoming my patron at https://www.patreon.com/coolerbs. Thanks for reading!

Want to read something longer by me? How about a whole novel! 

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