This is perhaps the most distressing story on my entire site.

Do not read if you are of a weak constitution.

This is your only warning.

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It starts with numbing. A needle placed along your gum line, towards the inside of your cheek. If they push too hard, it goes right through, poking a hole in your face.

Slide, slide, slide, the silver metal with a drip punctures your flesh. The pain blossoms abruptly, and hits your mouth. Fun fact: you can still wince with your jaw stretched open.

Then they leave you there, sitting in their chair. Leaning slightly backwards so any failed attempt to sit up is like falling down.

The drugs are subtle. The lack of feeling is not. Turns out numbness is not an absence, but a new sensation entirely. Your tongue is a phantom, you know it’s there, but can’t feel it. You worry you might cut it on your knife-like teeth, and drown in your own blood.

In fact, liquid is a major factor. Spit crawls, rushes, and spurts out of your mouth. Breathe through your nose, or gag a thousand gags.

It takes a half-hour, but they do eventually come back to see you. They tell you it won’t hurt. They’re half right.

Removing wisdom teeth is a delicate, but brutal process. They are after all, ripping bones out of your face. Tearing away something you will never grow back.

Once you’re staring into a glowing orange light, they lean you back on the chair. There are at least two people in the room, but there could be more. There could be a lot more. Honestly, who would open their eyes to check?

A scalpel cuts through the gums at the back of the mouth. Full-on slice. The bone exposed, they examine it. You’re not sure where the blood is, but you’re sure you’re bleeding.

They warn you the next part will involve pressure. What they don’t tell you is that he is going to literally lean on your face. It’s some kind of screwdriver, pushed with all the force in the world, till the bone pops out of the little pocket they sliced open to the air.

But it doesn’t fall out, no that would be too easy. It involves a hook. Try not to swallow the lump of sharp bone yanked out at an angle with a surgical tool. Try not to freak out when you realize that the hook is also to put in the stitches. The stitches that are going to go inside your mouth.

They do this four times in a row. It does not get easier. They go on a little tray next to you, covered in already drying spittle and gore. Once finished, they help you stand up. The swelling and the pain is so bad it’ll make you scream come about an hour later. The gushing blood lasts a few days.

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Special thanks to: Collin Pearman, Dylan Alexander, Jerry Banfield, Michael The Comic Nerd, Pulsatilla Pratensis, SuperGoof Media, and Zeony.

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